My Mother

So last post, I talked about my Mother and how her depression and problems affected me a lot as a teenager. This post, I want to write about our relationship then and what it is now. Like I said before, I was very bitter towards her for a long time. I felt alone when it came to having a mom. She slept a lot, overdosed a few times where we had to take her to the hospital, and was not herself at all. More like a sister who I fought with all the time than a mother. I know a lot of her problems came about with the struggles with my sister Taunie. It took my mom off the deep edge and led her down this dark road. It took her years to get her from the bottom, towards the top, back to the bottom, and up again. For a long time, I kept thinking, why me? Why did Trisha and I have to deal with her at the worst and at the most important parts in our lives as teenagers?? To be honest, I hated her for it. Even when I started dating Douglas and into our marriage I was still bitter with her on things that had happened. It didn't really hit me until I started going to counseling for myself and the things that came out, that turned me into realizing I was being selfish in not forgiving her. I kept everything in for so long and bottled it in, that it was very hard for me to let go. After much time of accepting things and seeing the good of what came out of it, I finally forgave her.

Today, my mom still struggles off and on with things, and I know it'll be a battle for her the rest of her life, but she tries, much more than she ever did. She is great with the grandkids who love her dearly, I talk to her or try to see her once a week, and feel like things have mended itself, and I enjoy being with her and talking with her. Even with the hardest part of our relationship, I do have to say that her and my dad supported me in my dancing and singing. They made it possible for me to do Dance Company and Onstage which were so important for me! I will always be grateful for that because it kept me focused and in a good group of kids that I was with. Also, like in my last post, going through that really made me stronger and with the help I've had from Douglas and my Savior, I have a clearer sense of who I want to be for myself and for my family.

I love my mom SO much and am grateful we have a good relationship today. She is a wonderful person with a big heart and is always willing to help when needed. I don't mean to show all the negative that has happened to me, but want to show the good that bad situations can come out of in your life. I learned to forgive and am pushing myself each day to be a better person.

Stronger

I have had a lot on mind lately, especially with me as a person, what I was like as a young girl, the woman I am today, and the beliefs I have. I would consider myself someone that has gone through a lot, especially at a young age. During the time I needed my mom the most, she wasn't there for me. She suffered badly with depression and put herself in a dark place for a while. For me, it left me bitter towards her and to myself.  I had very low self esteem and no matter what I did, whether it was with my dancing, my looks, my social life ect, it was never good enough. Even to this day I struggle with it, but one thing I have learned, is to accept it and to not let it get myself down. I know I cannot change the past. It's taken me a long time to accept certain things that have happened to me, but I am a stronger person because of it. A huge thanks goes to Douglas for that. He was the first person to see my true potential, and even though our first years of marriage were quite difficult, He helped me get out of the foggy state of mind that I was in for so long, and see the true light in myself as a person, wife, and mother. That fog comes and goes every now and then, but because of him, I get out of it so much easier. I love him so much!! Most of all though, when it comes down to it, knowing that my Heavenly Father is there, has always giving me a hope for things, even at the darkest times of my life. I am truly blessed to have always been true to that and never wandered away. Don't get me wrong, there are MANY things I can do to be closer to Him, but I just have never doubted his existence and the gospel.

Music for me I think is where I feel his love for me the most. That is what I always turn to when I am having a bad day. There is just something about the hymns we sing, the beautiful music Jenny Phillips and all of the amazing LDS artists share, that touches me so deeply. Just tonight at one of the firesides I sung at, this week was a little chaotic and rough for me, but just for that moment, I was able to feel the spirit and know that everything is going to be ok, that I was going to be ok plus, the spirit was SO strong! I am truly grateful to have music be a part of my life and to share my testimony through it. It brings such peace and happiness in my life.

I look back on my life and even with the heartache and pain I have gone through, I would not have changed a thing. It all happened for a reason and I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't go through it. I can say that my life is content, not perfect, but content. I love my family!! I love the gospel!!! I love what I get to look forward in doing!!! For once, I am truly happy with myself and the things I've accomplished so far. Life is good because of the knowledge I have of my Savior and the unconditional love he has for me. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and he'll be by my side at all times. I am stronger because of Him.

What I love most

With the month of February almost over, I thought I'd blog about the things I love most since it is the month of love :)

1. My hubby Douglas. He is amazing!! I couldn't have asked for a better husband and friend!!
2. My kiddos!! They bring me so much joy in my life and keep me on my toes!!
3. My parents. Always supportive of me in the things I do!!
4. My In laws. Awesome people who I look up to a lot!
5. My Grandpa and Grandma Holt. SO very blessed to have them in my life!
6. My siblings. Love you all so much!!
7. Performing. Singing and dancing on a stage is the best feeling ever!!
8. The Gospel. Such an important part of my life and has really helped me be the person I am today.
9. My home. So glad to have a place of my own that I enjoy spending my time in.
10. My life. Even in the toughest times and when things can get a little bit rocky, I truly love my life!! I am so blessed for all that I have and for the people who have helped me along the way! I wouldn't change it for anything!!

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY :)

Spicin' it up!!

This last Saturday, a group of my dance friends and I did a very special Valentines show for our honeys!! We thought it'd be fun and different to put on a Burlesque show for them! For me, I am always trying to find different ways to spice up mine and Douglas' marriage, and with being married almost 7 years now, this was the perfect thing to do for him, plus it was a way to bring out my sassy side :) 

We had the guys come to the dance studio where we decorated it all romantic with tulle, candles, ect. It looked awesome! Some of the men had no clue what was going on, so it was fun to surprise them! I am horrible with secrets though, so Douglas pretty much knew what was going on! Dang me!!! Once everyone was there, Leni, our awesome choreographer and host of the night, had them sit down. Once they were settled, we came downstairs and did our show! We did a few numbers from the movie Burlesque as well as some other sexy songs! We were so nervous to perform for them, but so excited at the same time!! Dressing up was a lot of fun, and I do have to say with all of our makeup, hair, and outfits on, we looked might fine!! I rocked the rocker chick look thats for sure :) We had a professional photographer come and take pictures. Once I get them, I'll see how brave I am to put them on here! We shall see though, no promises!!

After the show, we had a nice dinner together and had the most FUN night dancing, playing a few games, and just chatting with everyone! I am very glad we decided to do it! This last month was crazy trying to get everything together, but it was SO worth it!! The guys are hoping for it to be an annual thing, so with how well it turned out, next year is going to be yet another awesome, unforgettable Valentines for us!!!