Many Prayers

This last week has been a rollercoaster for me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotion that it has been exhausting!

(Deep breath in) How and where do I start... First off, there have been so many family members on both Douglas' and my side of the family that have been battling with various illnesses. Nana and Papa (Douglas's grandparents) have been in and out of the hospital, Papa with heart problems and Nana with leukemia and a serious infection. They are both in their 80s so to have these problems at their age is very risky. Papa just had heart surgery and is in the hospital, as well as Nana with her infection. We are praying that they will recover fast and be able to come home soon.

 Then there is my Grandma and Grandpa Holt. For the last year or so, they have dealt on and off with pneumonia, dimensia with my grandma, falling and hurting themselves, ect. They've been able to recover fairly well, but just in the last week or so, my Grandma has gone downhill immensley! From 2 Saturdays ago when I saw her, to seeing her last night, she is not the same grandma I have known my whole life. She's been in bed the last week because of falling out of bed, and at first they thought she broke her hip, but are now leading to her breaking her tail bone. She doesn't want to go to the hospital because there really isn't much they can do for her. Surgery would kill her and she just wants to be in the comfort of her own home. They brought her a hospital bed to make it a little bit easier, but she is in so much pain and is really not with it anymore. You can have conversations with her for the most part, but she forgets easily what you talk about with her and she ends up talking about things that dont make much sense. She is so frail, and I honsetly dont think she has much longer with us. My Grandpa is taking it really hard, but I think he has finally come to the fact that she is going to soon pass. They have just been side by side for so many years that the reality of her not being there is going to be really hard for him. The other day he had fallen and hit his face pretty bad and you can just tell he is just very mello and more quiet now. I could see it going 2 different ways with him, that if my grandma passes away, he'll be done himself and go shortly after her, or he could hang in there because he is a fighter and be ok for a while, maybe even stronger with not having to worry about Grandma's health anymore. I guess time will tell... I understand that they are old and that this was going to happen eventually, but it has been SO hard for me! I have and I know many others have always seen my grandparents as the rock in the family, plus they have done so much for everyone and have been there for so many things, that not having them is going to make life so different. On the other hand, it breaks my heart to see my Grandma the way she's been and seeing how much pain she's in, makes me want her to pass so she doesn't have to suffer any more. One thing with them it has brought us as a family closer and has made me cherish my life and my family that much more and SO blessed to have the gospel and to know we will be together forever!

On top of our Grandparent's health, my Aunt Radene (my mom's sister) just found out she has terminal cancer and only has a few months to live. She just recovered from breast cancer last year, but then going into the doctor's a few days ago, the cancer has spread to her lungs and into her bones that there isn't much they can do for her anymore :( I am just broken hearted for her. She has always been one to stay healthy and take care of herself and then this has to happen to her. It's kind of on a down low, especially to my grandparents because they dont need anymore than what they are dealing with at the moment. I just pray she wont have to suffer much and just enjoy the days she has with her family till she passes.

And then there is my Uncle Radell (my dad's brother) who is suffering from major kidney failure and has to be on dialysis 3 times a week. I didn't realize how bad off he's been until just yesterday when I saw him. He is only 60 years old, but with being sick, he has aged about 15 years! I am so saddened to see him the way he is, especially when he has always been the lively one and so energetic and adventurous.

So with all that is going on I am emotionally drained. I have been praying constantly for each one of them that they will have the comfort and strength they need in what they are each going through. I pray that my family will be able to get by with the losses that will be coming soon as well as comfort and peace in all of this. This part of life is hard and dealing with loved ones passing, but again, I am so blessed to know that this time on Earth is but a moment and we will have forever with one another!

Looking Forward and Upwards...

It's been a while since I've blogged! I get so caught up in the day to day things, that I completely forget I even have a blog! I hope I can keep it going though, mostly for myself! It's fun to read back on the things I've written about and hope to continue!

From my last post, I was a bit down on myself and overwhelmed with life. I know times like that will come and go for me. I feel that one of my greatest trials in this life is learning to overcome depression. Luckily, I've come far and beyond on what it used to be, but know it'll never quite leave me indefinitely, and I'm ok with that. Depression is a battle in my life, but with my family, and friends, plus with all that I do, it liftens those burdens much easier than it has in the past, plus I have learned certain ways of overcoming it.

Exercise for me is a HUGE part in helping me with depression. I feel good about myself, and enjoy my day so much better when I have exercised. Also training and looking forward to the races I do help! It gets me excited and determined to accomplish my goals! Locking myself into something like that pushes me to get to the gym and accomplish my workouts each week. I just signed up for the Salem Tri this June, and am SO excited to do it again! I have 11 weeks to fully train, and am driven to be at my best by then! :)

Part of the exercise I do is dance. For me, dancing and performing is such a joy in my life! I have loved it ever since I was a little girl and during the hardest times as a teenager, being involved with dance company at school and performing with OnStage, was what got me through! Those were my safe havens when life at home was rough and rocky. I am so grateful I had that to turn to and am still grateful today to be able to do what I love, even at my age! It has been so fun and I have grown such amazing realtionships with the girls I dance with!

Speaking of relationships, being around positive, supportive people is what helps me get through the good and the bad. I have had too many negative people in my life that have brought me down. Being around those types of people is not healthy for me at all. They easily consume what I fight to stay away from, but no matter how hard I fight, it still leaves a bad imprint on me. Sadly, many of those people are family members. As hard as it's been, I've had to slowly cut ties with relationships for my sanity. I love them with all my heart, but need to do what's best for me and my little family right now. I've opened myself to new, fresh relationships within family and friends and feel that it has been such a good thing for me! There are so many wonderful people in my life right now and am very blessed to have them!

I have to thank my husband Douglas for helping me see the influences that give a positive light in my life. He has helped me SO much with this obstacle of depression, and has stayed by my side through it all. I love him so much and am so blessed to have him as my hubby! And who can foget my kiddos! I love Haiden and Mekenzie more than words can say! They have brought so much joy and love in my life, that dealing with depression, makes it much easier seeing their beautiful faces each day. I am so proud to be their mom!

And of course, the gospel and my relationship with God helps me, especially at my worst times. I know I need to be better in keeping our relationship strong. I easily forget to rely on him and strive each day to be more in tune spritually. Being able to go to church again and recently singing with Jenny Phillips again, has made it much easier to remember the real importance of my life and purpose here! I honestly dont know how I could get by each day if I didn't have the knowledge and influence of the gospel!

As hard as it is sometimes, I really do love my life, the person I am today, and the person I  strive to be. I have come so far and know that no matter what obstacles, I can get through them! I just have to find those silver linings of happiness when darkness comes my way!

Looking Forward and Upwards... :)

FAILURE

I really hate this funk I've been in with myself these last few weeks. No matter what I'm doing in my life, whether it being work, the kids, Douglas, the gospel, exercising, ect, I feel like a BIG, FAT failure in them and get way down on myself!! I know it's stupid and very pathetic to be feeling this way and I try to focus on positive things and be happy, but I always end up upset and become a stupid, emotional wreck!! It is SO frustrating! I really need to sit down, look at all the things I'm doing, and try to re-organize everything in my life. It is so chaotic right now and I feel like I can't get a hold of myself! I am so mad too because I look at my life and think, why the hell am I feeling this way? I have a great life, beautiful kiddos, and a wonderful husband, plus I can't complain with everything I'm doing and have in my life! So, why the hell Amanda? Why am I seeping back in this stupid depression that I have strived for SO long to get rid of?? I see the people in my life that dwell in it and it disgusts me, so why am I allowing myself to feel these things? I'm sure this too shall pass, but I'm just annoyed and needed to vent a little bit. Hoping for a better look on things tomorrow. I have so much to look forward in this week and am praying for some postitve energy to get me back to my happy self again.

FRIENDSHIP

Here's a little poem to share today. These last few weeks have been very stressful and hard for me, but with the amazing support I have had from my sweet friends, it makes life a little less chaotic, and gives me the strength I need to keep going! So blessed for the friendships in my life!

 

VALENTINE'S A COMING!!

Wow!! It's been way too long since I've blogged!! I even missed posting about the Holidays and New Years! Too much going on I guess!! Well... there are many things to talk about that I'll have to get to later, but what I want to post right now is what I've been doing this last month or so! Last year, the girls that I dance with and I put on a Burlesque Valentines Show for our men! With how well it turned out last year, the guys were hoping for us to make this a traditional thing, and so this year, we are doing it again! We have switched it up a little bit though! What we decided to do is have each one of us be a character of some sort and perform a song regarding our character. I decided for my character is to be a "Spy Girl" since Douglas loves those types of movies and shows, plus it's the kind of character that I would love to be in a movie or something! Out of the girls, we also have a cop, a navy girl, a school girl, a maid, a pinup girl, and a army chick. We will be performing in just a few weeks, and let me tell ya, my brain has been workin' like crazy!! We just finished our last song in the show tonight and MAN does it feel GOOD!! Now we can just get the show to looking our best with all the affects and such! We'll be using a lot more props this time around! In mine, we are are using flashlights! I am SO excited to repeat this fun night again and look forward to all that is in store for our guys!! Another thing that I am WAY excited about is in addition to our show,  is a few weeks ago, the girls and I all did a photo shoot, not only as our characters, but also did lingerie shots as well, of course individually for our guys! :) I was a little hesitant at first and really nervous, but the photographer does a lot of boudoir shots and helped us all feel really comfortable! She was awesome and I actually had a lot of fun doing it! I have always wanted to do something like that for Douglas, so it worked out perfect! What I am going to do with the pics is make a little album to give him after we perform! I've gotten some of the pictures which I really like and hope to get a few more soon! Here is just a sneak peek of my character for the show!! 

CAN'T WAIT!!

RAGNAR!!

2 weeks ago I ran in my first Ragnar race in Vegas, and it was quite the experience!! If you don't know what Ragnar is, its about a 200 mile relay race in a 30-34 hour time period of 12 runners that switch off running their distances, 3 different times throughout the race. The 12 runners split into 2 vans of 6 and meet each runner in the group to exchange on to the next person. I was runner 8 in the 2nd van.  Oh, and we had 2 teams of 12, so we had a 2nd van of friends with us which made it fun! 

The first van started at 7:30 am, running their distances, and then we started at about 12:00 pm. It was nice to get a good nights sleep before the big race because I knew I wouldn't be sleeping much after that! My first leg was my longest of 5.7 miles. The weather was sunny, but really windy which made it cold, but once I started, I got hot right away! I am such a sweater, that the wind actual made it nice! Most of my run was downhill which was good for me, but towards the end, my right big toe and other toes started to hurt really bad! I just kept telling myself to keep pushing through, but it probably was one of my worst runs! I was so mad to have that happen to me at the beginning especially when I had 2 more legs to go!! 

After I finished, we went through runners 9-12 in our group before we had 4-5 hours of rest until we would go out for our night run. By the time the sun set, the wind picked up even more and it was SUPER cold!! We parked at the main exchange where we'd meet the first group and luckily found an underground parking lot that made it nice to not be freezing our butts off! We ate, stretched, and tried to get some rest, but I seriously cannot sleep in vehicles! I managed to tape up my blistered and swollen toes and hoped it would help with my next run coming up. I also was having tummy issues (constipation) since our eating schedule was so out of wack and wasn't feeling so hot either :( 

By the time I was ready to go for my 2nd run, it was cold as YOU KNOW WHAT!!! It was around midnight when I started my 4.5 miles. This run was one long stretch and when I got going, of course with my body heat, I started feeling warm and strong and any pain on my feet or stomach went completely away! The night run was definitely my best one yet, funny to say!! I felt like I could go forever!! Running in the dark was a little creepy at times, but amazing too!! Loved that leg!!!

 By the time all of our group finished to wait for our 3rd leg, it was around 4:30 am. We went to the next main exchange to wait again at a high school. They had set up for people to set up sleeping bags in the gym there. It was so nice to sleep for a few hours. My stomach was not doing good though! I felt so bloated, but still couldn't go :( My feet too were very raw from the tape I had to rip off to apply bandaids for my next leg! No matter what though, I was determined to finish strong!! Ha ha, I was so desperate to make sure to go to the bathroom before the next leg that I took some Miralax and had about a half cup of my first taste of coffee (not good at all!!), but again was very desperate to do ANYTHING that would help my stupid insides to start working!!! I'm glad I had quite the support about it all from my fellow friends though!! It's so funny how well you get to know each other in so little time and if you are going potty or not!! lol :) Plus, I did manage to go before my last run!! HALLELUJAH!!! My 3rd leg was another 4.5 miles. This one was more hilly, but I enjoyed running in the sun again. By this time though my feet were not doing well, but again, I pushed myself harder and harder and FINISHED thank goodness!!! All of us finished at about 3:45 the next afternoon. About 32 hours total!!! 

Overall, Ragnar was very tiring, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but having the support from each other and spending time with everyone was priceless! By the time I got home though, I was EXHAUSTED and it took me just under a week to feel normal again. Plus, my toes were aweful until I ended up taking them off, literally off! They were pushed clear up in my toe and that it what caused the pain I was having!! All I know is that if I ever do another one, I will definitely be switching things up on preparing for it and making sure my toenails and shoes are good to not cause problems with my feet again!!! 

So, YAY for completing my first Ragnar!! So glad to have experienced it!! Now, what else can I do to add to my lists of firsts?? :) 

UTAH TOUGH MUDDER!!

Just over a week ago on October 13th, I accomplished my 3rd Tough Mudder!! The course was here in Utah, out in Tooele at the Larry H Miller Speed Track. I have to say it was the toughest one yet, but TONS of fun!! I had my brother Jaren with me, his brother in law Eric, his nephew Evan, Evan's friend Mitch, and a workout buddy DeMill. Our team name was Pain Garage and we did AMAZING!!!

Our start time was at 11:00 so we got there about 2 hours before. The weather the day before was really rainy and cold so I was very nervous with Saturday being the same. When we got there though it was nice and sunny, but the wind made it pretty cold. Then about a half hour before we started, a lovely overcast hit us and made things even colder! I have to say I was not looking forward to it since our 2nd obstacle was "Arctic Enema" where you have to get completely in and under ice water! I just tried not thinking about it though as best as I could! Then standing at the start line while the announcer goes over his ritual sayings and with the music blaring, really got me pumped!! I knew I could do this no matter what conditions!!

We started strong running about a half mile before we got to our 1st Obstacle "Kiss of Mud." It's a barbed wire obstacle that you have to army crawl under it in the mud. After we did that, "Arctic Enema" was well in view and my heart started pumping fast! I knew what was coming!! Getting in that cold cold water is like a whole shock to your body and you feel like you cant breathe! It literally takes your breath away! I managed of getting in and out as fast as I could, but once I went under the board to the other side, there were a bunch of people in front of me and I had to wait what I felt like FOREVER before getting out! Once I was out, the wind was blowing hard and that made the cold even more intense!!! 

Once all of us were out, we just ran, trying to keep our bodies warm! We had a good ways to go before we got to the next obstacle. With our bodies moving, I actually felt pretty good and not cold after a bit. We hit about 7 more obstacles one being the "Berlin Walls," another "Kiss of Mud," "King of the Mountain," and "Dirty Ballerina." That one was fun! You had to climb in and out of these trenches full of muddy water and there were about 15 of them! 

The next one that I was nervous about was "Electric Eel." That one is like the kiss of mud, but you get zapped with wires full of electricity that you cannot avoid! Last TM in Phoenix, I got zapped about a good 10+ times and it did not feel too well! So me knowing what it felt like, made it harder for me to do it again! Once I was there and ready to go in, I just hauled booty and went through as fast as I could! Luckily this time, I only felt a few little zaps and one BIG ZAP! I was out of there before I knew it though and oddly enough, it was fun!!  I think it was more of the adrenaline from it that I liked! 

The one after that was "Balls to the Wall." It was a brand new one where you had to climb a wall holding onto a rope about 2 stories high and then come down the opposite side of the wall. Looking at it wasn't bad, but once I started going up and then coming down, I realized how high I really was and kind of froze a bit! I am not a huge fan of heights, especially when I don't feel in control of what I'm doing. That one was probably the scariest one for me! I was glad to be back on the ground that's for sure!!

At that point, we hit quite a few more obstacles where since there were so many people, we had to wait, which wasn't good for us keeping warm and our muscles warm. I think about that time in the race is when I started getting cold and uncomfortable! Plus, there were more water obstacles ahead, so that made it hard to look forward in doing! 

We did the "Funky Monkey" which were the monkey bars over water. The bars were so dang slippery that I only made it to the 4th bar and then fell in! The very first TM I got all the way across, but the last 2 times, my hands just kept slipping! Very frustrating! We also did "Walk the Plank" where you climb up a platform and then jump off it into water. The last time was so fun, but because it was SO DANG COLD, it made it harder this time to do it, but I got enough guts and went for it! And MAN that water was COLD!!! 

I was freezing by that time and was just ready to be done! We ended up doing "Everest" which is a half pipe you have to run up and get to the top! I was so tired and cold, but managed to get enough energy to run up it and luckily the guys at top helped pull me up! My brother tried 3 times before getting up! He did awesome though and kept at it instead of giving up! 

Then last, but not least was Electricshock Therapy." That one is similar to "Electric Eel," but you run through it and the electric current is MUCH more intense! Oh, and you are in water too! As we were waiting and next in line, a group of fire fighters before us went through. This guy in his late 30's got shocked, fell down, got shocked again and again and ended up freezing up and had a seizure right then and there! It was so bad that they had to unplug the electricity and pull him out! He was in real bad shape and after seeing that, me having been through it twice, thought, Not worth it to me at all, and we ended up skipping it to the Finish Line. 

We were SO happy to be done, were freezing our butts off, but had a blast working as a team and accomplishing 12 miles and 21 crazy obstacles! Like I've said before, during TM I think, why do I do this to myself??, but once I am finished and look back, I am already looking forward to the next one!! 

So there you have it! Just a glimpse of another TM!! I am so happy to have done it with Jaren and all the other guys! It was the most fun I had as a team and hope we can do another one together!! Oh, and a huge thanks to Douglas and my sister in law Kellie who pretty much ran majority of the race to get pictures and video of it all!! So until next time... Here are some pics of the day!!

Before "Arctic Enema"

AFTER!!

Jaren and I 

"Hold Your Wood!"

We survived Electric Eel!

"Just the tip"

Still going strong!

"Balls to the Wall"

Still Smiling :)

Lots of team work!!

Cliff Hanger

WE FINISHED!!

Jaren and Kellie

Loved the Support!!